How to Work on Building Trust in a Relationship - All The Small Ways
One of the biggest topics that comes up in our work with clients is TRUST. Trust is that feeling you get when you believe your partner’s words and actions. It’s what makes you feel more connected and what brings you closer together. So, how do you know if you have deep trust in your relationship? Keep reading to learn how to identify trust in your relationship and how to build trust in your relationship in all the small ways.
What Is Deep Trust?
While trust is a feeling you get when you have full faith and trust that your partner will stick to their word and show you through their actions that they can be trusted, trust goes beyond just your partner. It also has a lot to do with YOU.
Trust is fluid, and we don’t wake up every single day with the same level of trust in our partner. It has so much to do with how we’re feeling as an individual. If we’re feeling insecure or having a bad day, chances are, we may be more suspicious, cautious, or more questioning of that trust in our relationship.
Deep trust is something that happens individually as well as relationally and in co-creation with our partner.
How Your Past Impacts Your Ability To Trust
Your ability to trust is also greatly impacted by your past, as you bring a certain level of trust into the relationship. Your thoughts, feelings, and what we call “packages” (‘cause baggage just sounds so heavy, doesn’t it?!) comes with you from all of your past relationships and your family of origin. If you've had trust broken in your relationships in the past, you're likely to be on the lookout for other instances where your trust will be broken and may question whether or not your partner can be trusted.
How To Develop A Foundation Of Trust
When we talk about trust with our clients, the topic of connection comes up simultaneously. When couples feel close and connected in their relationship, there’s always a foundation of trust present. Trust is arguably the most important thing in a relationship. It’s about being completely open and honest and having clear, honest communication.
So, are we saying that you have to tell your partner everything in order for this to work?
No, not at all. You can still have a foundation of trust and not tell your partner every little thing. Just think… would you want your partner to tell you every single detail from their day? Probably not! It’s important to have your own inner world and dialogue that you don’t have to share with anyone else… even your partner.
How Trust Is Broken
If you don’t share everything with your partner, the question then becomes, how much should you share with your partner in order to be open, honest, and to build that connection?
First, let’s think about how trust is broken. So often, when we think of breaking trust, we immediately think of all the big ways that trust is broken, like lying, cheating, and infidelity. Infidelity is the biggest one and it’s what so many couples come to us for. They don’t trust their partner anymore because they had an affair, whether physical or emotional. It could be a one night stand with a coworker, a year in the making partner, lunch with an ex that they didn’t share about, or a short fling that didn’t last.
Infidelity in any form is very common in relationships and it does happen. Monogamy is hard. It’s a social construct that a lot of us are trying hard to work towards because we’ve chosen it. However, people mess up along the way, and one of the toughest things for couples to do is rebuild that trust after there’s been infidelity.
While this is one of the biggest ways that trust is broken, it can also be broken in all of the small ways. When clients come to us and are experiencing disconnect in their relationship and they can’t pinpoint why, it’s often because the trust has been broken in several small, seemingly insignificant ways. If there hasn’t been infidelity, they may not realize that there isn’t a strong foundation of trust present in their relationship.
Small Ways That Trust Is Broken
Breaking trust in small ways can look like:
Not showing up when you say you will.
Missing dinner when you promised to be there.
Sharing a secret that you told them in confidence.
Telling white lies.
Purchasing something after agreeing to save money and skip it.
Consistently being late or skipping commitments.
Not being honest about where you’ve been.
All of these little things add up over time and break down trust. It also leads the other partner to wonder what else they may be lying about. As you work to rebuild the trust in your relationship, it’s important to take a little personal inventory and ask yourself when the last time was that YOU told a white lie. It’s interesting, because so often, people tell white lies as a way to avoid discomfort. They try to take the easy way out instead of being open, honest, and truthful. However, all this does is chip away at the foundation of trust in your relationship.
Another small way that trust is broken is simply by ignoring bigger issues and harder conversations in general. When a partner gives the other person the silent treatment and refuses to have a tough conversation, it breaks down trust. This also happens when a partner discounts your feelings and turns down a conversation, saying it’s not an issue and doesn’t need to be discussed. This puts up a major block in your trust and causes you to walk on eggshells around that topic.
Trust can be broken when you aren’t getting what you need from your partner and you aren’t receiving love in a way that makes you feel close, connected, and valued. If your partner knows that you need that physical or emotional connection or that quality time in order to feel close and connected, but they’re withholding that for some reason, it can break down trust.
As you can see, there are SO many small ways that trust can be broken over time. It’s not always about the big, obvious situations like infidelity.
How To Build (Or Rebuild) Trust
No matter what has caused a break in trust, the pillars of trust remain the same, whether you’re building trust for the first time or rebuilding trust after it’s been broken.
First, you must be real, authentic, genuine, and honest with your partner. Share your truth with them (which is easier said than done!). Be vulnerable with your partner. Tell them what you like and what you don’t like. Be open about how you feel physically and emotionally in your relationship. Trust is about sharing your dreams, fears, and deepest feelings without judgement, in a safe space. These can be hard conversations to have, but they’re so important for building a foundation of trust. So much of this pillar of trust stems from your own self-esteem and self-worth, because in order to be honest with your partner, you have to be honest with yourself first.
The second pillar of building or rebuilding trust is simply being there. Show up when you say you’re going to. Remind your partner of important dates or events coming up and show them you have their back, in good times and bad. Choose to show up and do what you say you will, even when things are shitty and you feel disconnected from your partner. In tense moments, choose to turn in towards your partner and navigate it together, instead of turning the other way. Choose to get uncomfortable, have the hard conversations, and work through it, even if it sucks. This is a huge way to build trust, to let them know that they matter and they’re worth those moments of discomfort.
Small Ways To Build Trust
Trust is a gift that we can give someone, but it's also something they have to earn. You can’t just start a relationship and immediately trust someone. Just like trust can be broken in all the small ways, it’s also built in all the small ways over time.
When your partner has proven to you that they can be trusted, they've shown up when they said they were going to, they’ve reminded you of things, and they’ve supported you through tough times, it builds that solid foundation of trust along the way so that you can feel confident believing them. You no longer have to question them or worry or wonder if they’re being honest with you.
So whether you’re building trust or rebuilding trust, always come back to the two pillars: being real, authentic, genuine, and honest and just being there. Sure, rebuilding trust might be harder, but the foundation of trust remains the same. Focus on taking small steps and building it in all those small ways over time. Be patient, because just as Rome wasn’t built in a day, deep trust isn’t built in a day either. It can be broken in an instant in big ways or over time in small ways, but the real key to creating a foundation of trust is focusing on the small ways that you can build and strengthen it over time.
If you’re ready to move from conflict to connection in your relationship and navigate the hard conversations so you can build a solid foundation of trust, check out our From Conflict To Connection course, where you’ll learn to fight with purpose, grow closer, and connect deeper with your partner.