My Partner Cheated on Me - What Do I Do Now?
Infidelity can be one of the most painful experiences in a relationship. Whether you've been cheated on or you’re the one that cheated on your partner, the emotional turmoil can be overwhelming and painful. Even though this is quite common, that doesn’t make it any easier. In this blog post, we’re sharing 5 steps for how to move forward and past the pain so you can begin to heal.
What Is Cheating?
First, it’s important to talk about what cheating is. Everyone’s definition of cheating is going to be different. For some people, cheating is having lunch with an ex. For others, it's not considered cheating unless it gets physical. Some consider cheating to be sharing your secrets, emotions, and life with someone else. At the end of the day, if you define it as cheating, you’re going to feel the pain and hurt that comes with it.
So many couples don’t talk about what cheating is to them with their partner. Therefore, they may not know what their partner considers to be crossing the line of infidelity. So if you haven’t had that conversation yet, we encourage you to do so, even if it’s a little awkward!
However, if you’ve clicked on this post, you probably believe that infidelity has occurred in your relationship. Check out these five steps for moving forward and past the pain in your relationship so you can begin the healing process.
5 Steps to Move Forward and Heal After Infidelity
Step 1: Feel All the Feels
The first step in the healing process is to feel ALL the feels. Allow yourself to feel and process your emotions, whatever they may be. Infidelity brings a flood of feelings, from anger and blame to sadness and confusion. Remember, there are no right or wrong emotions. We are giving you permission to feel everything and take the time to grieve and acknowledge your feelings without judgement. Talk it out, journal, or do whatever feels right to process your emotions.
Step 2: Talk It Out
The next step is to talk it out. This sounds simple, but if you’re the type of couple that struggles to have these hard conversations, then you may need to reach out to a third party, like a coach or therapist. (We’re always here to help! Just reach out here!).
Communication is the key to healing after infidelity. The worst thing that you can do is allow resentment to build and sweep this under the rug without talking about it. This only makes the issue bigger and more painful.
Have open and honest conversations with your partner about what happened and how you both feel. Listen to your partner’s perspective and try to understand their reality and experience. If you’re the one that cheated, reflect on what led to your actions and ask yourself why you did it. Was it a personal issue or something lacking in your relationship?
Oftentimes, infidelity is a symptom of something bigger going on in your relationship. Sometimes, it’s just something personal going on for you, like not feeling close and connected with your partner and feeling lonely.
This may be a controversial opinion, but we believe that when infidelity happens in a relationship, both parties have some responsibility to hold. That’s why it’s key to talk it out and get an idea of what is missing so you can take radical responsibility for your actions and part in it.
Step 3: Decide Whether to Stay or Go
The third step is deciding whether you should stay or go in your relationship. Your initial reaction may be to leave your partner because of the infidelity and the pain you feel. You might feel like it’s a deal breaker in your mind. There are so many layers to your feelings and initial reaction, so let’s normalize those.
However, you have to ask yourself if it’s a deal breaker because that’s truly what YOU believe, or that’s what society, your religion, or your community believes.
Ask yourself, do I still love my partner? Do I still see a future with them? If you do, it’s time to fight for your relationship and continue moving on to a new version of your relationship.
If you’re considering going, then why? Is the reason your own, or someone else’s? There is old shame in leaving a cheating partner and new shame in staying with a cheating partner, but ultimately, the decision is yours and you have to do what feels right to you. You can still believe in your relationship and your partner after infidelity.
Step 4: Take Care of You
This is the step where you begin to think about some self-awareness pieces and what YOU need moving forward so you can heal, feel supported, and regain confidence without any regrets for the future.
Think about what you need so you can move on with integrity and self-respect. Take a breath and take some time to process what you feel. This might look different for everyone, and that’s okay.
Get involved in something that keeps your mind active and distracted so you’re not ruminating and going through the same thoughts and emotions over and over again. Find a new hobby, go on a trip, surround yourself with supportive people, and allow yourself to process your emotions and take care of yourself in healthy ways. This will help you get that confidence back and build that self-worth back up.
Step 5: The New Rule Book
This step is a big one, because infidelity leads to two pathways, either resentment and regret or renewal and rebirth for a new beginning. This is a choice you have to make.
Will infidelity be the thing that stays as a wedge between you forever, or will it be the thing that reignites your relationship? What type of couple do you want to be moving forward?
The resentment and regret path is where the cheater tells themselves, “I’m a bad person, I don’t deserve you, etc.” The person who was cheated on holds resentment and brings up the incident over and over and the cheater is left saying, “How many times do I have to say sorry… when are you going to forgive me?”
This is a really hard, painful, unhealthy path to go down.
Then there’s the new beginning path, where you rebuild trust in those small moments over time and define what the 2.0 version of your relationship looks like. You redefine what infidelity is in your relationship, what is and isn’t okay, and you gain clarity around all of your boundaries in your relationship. You work to make changes for the better of your relationship and communicate openly and honestly, even if it’s hard. Ultimately, you create the new rule book for your relationship moving forward so you can make this version of your relationship better than the first.
This can be a really beautiful, life-changing path for couples who choose to put in the work (because believe us, this takes work!) and renew their relationship after infidelity.
Infidelity can be a painful and challenging experience, but it’s also a chance for growth and transformation in your relationship. By following these five steps, you can work towards healing and rebuilding a stronger, healthier relationship with your partner. Remember, recovery takes time and intention from both partners, and if you’re willing to commit to this process, you can heal and emerge stronger in the end.
If you’re ready to discover and define your boundaries so you can have a healthy relationship and open, honest communication, reach out to us to learn more about 1:1 relationship coaching, or check out our Relationship Tune-Up mini coaching series!