Physical Intimacy vs Emotional Intimacy. What’s More Important?
In case you missed it, Lindsay and I put on our game-faces and battled it out in the relationship ring over on our YouTube channel for The Great Relationship Debate to answer the age-old question of, “What’s More Important? Physical Intimacy or Emotional Intimacy?
I (Lisa) represent Team SEX in this debate while Lindsay is our resident Team EMOTIONS captain. And while we still can’t agree on who won the debate (it was pretty freakin heated and hilarious!), what we can agree on is that physical intimacy / sexual connection and emotional intimacy / emotional connection are both KEY in having a thriving, connected relationship with your partner. In fact, you really can’t have a kick-ass relationship without BOTH!
So let’s dive into why physical connection (hello, spicy sex life!) and emotional connection (pillow talk, anyone?) are both so crucial to the success of your relationship and your overall connection with your partner.
You ready?
Bring on Lindsay to talk about all things emotional intimacy!
Why Emotional Intimacy is The Glue in Your Relationships
Feeling seen, heard, and understood is a universal desire of all people. There’s no other feeling like it in the world. And do you want to know how it’s achieved?
Through EMOTIONAL CONNECTION and INTIMACY! 🙌
Emotional connection can’t be bought or faked. It’s developed, cultivated, and earned. We can’t say the same for sex now can we?😜
I believe that the best things in life are things we can’t buy and things that don't have a price tag. They are the things that we feel in our hearts and that make us feel warm and fuzzy inside.
5 Reasons Why Emotional Intimacy Matters
As the Team Emotions captain, I could go on and on about why emotional intimacy matters and (dare I say) is even MORE important than physical intimacy. Here are 5 reasons why getting connected on an emotional level is so important.
First off, it all comes down to psychology. In every Intro to Psychology class, you learn about Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. This body of work goes back decades and is widely accepted as truth. Maslow states that after the basic human needs of air, water, food, shelter, safety, etc. are met, that following those, the #1 human need is love and belonging! In other words, it is a basic human need to feel seen, heard, and understood (AKA, emotional connection!). How’s that for a textbook backing me up?!
Emotional intimacy creates a deep sense of security within your relationship and an ability to be wholly yourself, without feeling as if you risk the relationship itself. Physical intimacy and having sex just doesn’t give you that same sense of security and ability to be wholly yourself in every way. There's nothing sexier than revealing your deepest, darkest, most vulnerable secrets to someone and having that person love you for who you are, even after they’ve heard and seen you at your most vulnerable. Emotional intimacy is what gets you through the tough times in life. As you get older and your body deteriorates, your ability to have great sex might too, but emotional intimacy will stand the test of time and your emotional bond will be the glue to keep you connected in the long-term.
Emotional intimacy is the pre-requisite to great sex! Yes, emotional intimacy comes FIRST! You can’t have a great sex life without emotional intimacy. A strong emotional connection can support a healthy sex life, but let’s be clear, it is the foundation, from which you build everything else. I don't know about you, but I don’t feel like getting it on when I haven't had a decent conversation or spent some quality time with my husband. If your partner doesn’t know what’s going on in your inner world, it’s really hard to want to get it on. It can even feel annoying, like it’s just someone else needing something from you. BUT, if we’ve had an awesome date night, we’ve shared what’s going on in our lives, we’ve dreamed or talked about the future together, and really connected on an emotional level, then I absolutely feel like getting home and getting it on! The equation is simple: emotional connection first, then (amazing and deeply connected) sex naturally follows. Emotional connection is the fuel for the sexual fire and flames.
According to a Harvard study, the biggest predictor of your happiness and fulfillment overall in life is love and the quality of your relationships. This study specifically demonstrates that having someone to rely on helps your nervous system relax, helps your brain stay healthier for longer, and reduces both emotional and physical pain. The data is also very clear that those who feel lonely are more likely to see their physical health decline earlier and die younger. Put simply, emotional connection is actually key in helping you LIVE LONGER.
When I made a quick Google search and asked, “What's most important in a relationship?”, it came back with this result: Open communication, loyalty, kindness, compassion, trust, emotional vulnerability, and willingness to forgive. All signs that point right to emotional intimacy, but funny enough, no mention of sex. Emotional connection is unique to your partner. You'll never find that same emotional connection with someone else, but in contrast, you can have good sex and feel physically connected with someone else that you feel physically attracted to.
Why Physical Intimacy is Key in Your Relationships
Now that we’ve heard Lindsay’s side of The Great Relationship Debate, it's clear that emotional intimacy does play a huge role in the success of your relationships. However, as the Team SEX captain, I’m still a big believer that physical intimacy and great sex are still where it’s at! 😘
I mean, have you ever wondered why there are so many unhappy people in our society? People are angry, sad, stressed, anxious, lonely and depressed everywhere you turn, and it’s because they are not having enough sex!
Physical touch is a key part of our relationships. In fact, it’s a human NEED as well (even if Maslow didn’t list sex in his hierarchy of needs). There’s even a technical term called touch starvation for when we don’t get enough physical touch. I personally prefer to call it a pleasure deficit. Humans are physical beings and we were made for physical touch. We need hugs, kisses, pets, strokes, massages and all things sex. In fact, I’d say physical intimacy and sex is one of the best forms of communication we have with our partners!
5 Reasons Why Physical Intimacy Matters
As the Team Sex captain in this debate, I’m willing to go to bat for why I think physical intimacy and touch matters most in your relationship (yes, even over emotional intimacy!). Check out these 5 reasons why sex and connecting on a physical level are the key to a thriving relationship.
Connection is the #1 reason that people want and like sex. Physical connection means being vulnerable, present, and completely in-tune with one another. When you are connected on a physical level, you feel closer, which you can’t always say after a deep discussion about kids or your in-laws… just sayin! Oftentimes, having great sex and connecting on a physical level actually makes you WANT to open up emotionally. Plus, sex and physical touch is the thing that makes your relationship different from a friendship or another type of relationship. A partnership without sex can lead to loneliness (which we already know is deadly), which then turns into frustration, resentment, and feelings of guilt or inadequacy.
Pleasure and touching feels good and makes us feel one with our partner. What’s better than a really long squeezie hug at the end of a hard day, a passionate kiss, or a sexy massage when you crawl into bed? Yes, please! This type of connection gives you that dopamine and oxytocin hit because we were made for pleasure! In fact, the head of the penis has 4,000 nerve endings and the clitoris has over 10,000 nerve endings, and its sole purpose is pleasure! Sometimes, you just CRAVE sex. You see your partner and you just want to get it on. Sex is not only fun, but it satisfies our pleasure cravings!
Sex is good for your health. It’s a form of physical exercise (and way more fun and enjoyable than running or hitting the gym). It improves sleep, boosts your immune system, and increases your life expectancy. Not to mention it’s amazing for your flexibility, too! It’s also great for your emotional health, as it lowers stress and anxiety levels and takes your mind off all of your troubles or things going on in your life.
Physical intimacy is like super glue - it fixes things. When you hug, kiss, and make-out on the regular, you repair faster after a disagreement or argument (steamy hot make-up sex anyone?!). You are also more forgiving of your partner's annoying habits and more loving towards them.
Sex is like a vacation, but better! People go away for the weekend to escape the buzzing in their head, the noise, and the to-do lists of everyday life. However, you can also get that same escape from having great sex! It’s a powerful tool to help you treat yourself, ease your stress, escape, and get your mind off things. It’s even better than meditation if you ask me! And sometimes, after a day of sexting or building up the anticipation, some steamy desperate sex is just what you need for a little vacation at home (or wherever you are!).
So What’s More Important: Physical Intimacy or Emotional Intimacy?
Now while we are both passionate about our respective sides of the Team Sex vs Team Emotions debate, the bottom line is this: Physical intimacy and emotional intimacy are not mutually exclusive.
This debate could go on forever, because it’s nearly impossible to pick a winner.
You can't have emotional intimacy or physical intimacy alone without the other in a long-term relationship. You need both to be truly connected and to thrive. They are both important and absolutely necessary to have a relationship that stands the test of time.
With physical intimacy and emotional intimacy comes a lot of different viewpoints, opinions, and pieces of (not so great) advice out in the world today. It can be tricky to know what is true, what is BS, and what you can actually do to increase the physical and emotional intimacy in your relationship.
We created 2 completely FREE guides to help call out these pieces of BAD ADVICE, bring you the hard-hitting TRUTH, plus BETTER ADVICE that you can implement right away for a more connected, thriving relationship.
Grab your free Sex Ed or Emotional Ed Guide HERE!